10 Regular Job Descriptions, Rewritten by Marketers

What’s the difference between a strategy director, a strategic ninja, and a strategic jedi? Do careers advisors tell students of the merits of pursuing roles as sanitation engineers, mobile sustenance facilitators, and even five-a-day collection operatives?

Eons ago, when I started working for newspapers, writers were called reporters or journalists. By the time I left, they had become content gatherers, which makes them sound more like an army of ants.

Out of all the job sectors, digital marketing is arguably the one that has been crushed by buzzwords and hollow titles the most. And once people start becoming story strategists or corporate storytellers, it’s hard not to embellish. Who hasn’t been tempted to also upgrade their role by adding a senior or chief here and there?

To illustrate just how ridiculous this trend is, we decided to take the terrible terminology used for marketing titles and apply them to other careers.

1. Chef

Dynamic gustatory content creator

This is a role that demands on-plate optimization for all content, from baked beans on toast to foie gras. You work with cutting-edge steak knives and prepare low-hanging fruit A/B tests (for salads). You’re known for the ability to line up ducks (à l’orange) in a row while working with sausage links and hashtag browns.

2. Policeman

Law enforcement manager

As a cop pounding the street, you’re an imposing thought leader, fully versed in the penalization system. You’re also adept at synergized beat walking and dealing with disruption in multi-platform environments such as night clubs and stadiums.

3. Teacher

Child knowledge converter

You’re skilled at administering A/B tests to pupils. If A and B don’t work, give them a C. Jumping on calls with parents and maintaining an extensive knowledge of big data (including the social followings of Zoella and Kim Kardashian) are crucial to your success.

4. Soccer player

Goal-oriented point aggregator

This is a perfect role for someone who likes to think outside the box. You’re a team player—unless you’re Cristiano Ronaldo—with a knack for 360-degree campaigns. You also happen to be an expert at disruption, powering through end-to-end solutions.

5. Farmer

Scalable arable marketer

In a rapidly growing field, this is a role suitable for hackers and harvesters. You’re an expert in localized organic search and blue-sky thinking, hungry to produce highly snackable content. In all likelihood, you’re probably a one-stop shop, which investors will love.

6. Doctor

Healthy call-to-action engager

You’re clearly an expert in handling “hangouts” and content that goes viral. You definitely have an ear for great storytelling, especially listening to tales about how someone got sick after too much newsjacking. Thankfully, you know exactly what holistic content to administer to make your customers feel better.

7. Lawyer

Human disruption curator

With an attention to detail and an ability to think outside the jury box, you’re a shrewd strategist known for locking in conversions from people who desperately don’t want to go to prison. Since you’re committed to committals and capable of leveraging the jury, you have no problem hacking the legal system.

8. Builder

Platform-enabling influencer

You take your clients to the next level on a robust platform because of quality workmanship and strong team building. While others put up walls and create organizational silos, you’ve managed to climb the corporate ladder. You’re proudest achievement is building a business from the ground up—doing more with less or, at least, charging more for less.

9. IT manager

Real-time scalable superior

Your role is imperative to the online internet of things functioning to a high degree of synergy across the board. Your mantra is the IT Three, and without your code ninjas and IT artisans beside you, your big data for the millennials has no chance of Indexing to become the next trending link bait. Once a dusty geek in the corner, now the king of real reality, real time.

10. Taxi driver

Roadmap conversion path facilitator

The modern taxi driver needs to be mobile-first, ready to engage with a vast audience when the call comes. You have a vast knowledge of authentic conversations. Putting the customer at the center (of roadworks, hold-ups, etc.) is essential, as is an innate understanding of the information superhighway.