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How to Be a Marketer, According to Stock Photography

Joining a marketing team can be intimidating. You’re supposed to help your clients get more paying customers. What happens if you fail? Understandably, you feel a little out of your comfort zone—you were a humanities major, after all. Luckily, with every problem comes a solution. And the solution to your problem is easy—you just need to look at some stock photography.

Tip #1: Know how to outsmart your competition

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By challenging them to a real-life chess game on the top of a mountain. Hire an accredited potions master to sneak up behind the other marketers and transform them into pawns. Leap to the top of the tallest piece/former person. Clients will see that you are clearly the dominant—and only human—option.

Tip #2: Highlight your client’s growth potential

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By making a giant upwards arrow out of leftover balsa wood from your neighborhood karate studio. Ideally, hire a middle school shop student to create this for you. Stand in front of it and pose dramatically for a few minutes. The longer you hold the pose, the more committed you will seem to clients.

 Tip #3: Surround yourself with the latest news

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By filling your office with pieces of paper that say only “News” and “Stock Market” on them. Keep them on your mind at all times by placing fans in all four corners of your office to create a news tornado. If anyone comes in for a meeting, they’ll be impressed by your commitment to staying on top with the market and grateful for the fans. It’s freaking hot out.

Tip #4: Always be searching for new trends

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By pushing yourself around in a grocery cart with a telescope. Trends are often shy and will stay at a distance. You’ll be able to see them more easily if you have some kind of magnifying device. The grocery cart is—obviously—in case the trend is hiding at the bottom of a hill and you want to reach it at top speeds.

Tip #5: Have the know-how to become a marketing fat cat

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No, really. Remember that accredited potions master from before? Once you’ve spotted a certain number of trends and gained a specific number of clients, you will be transformed into a mildly obese cat wearing a suit and a gold chain. Your life will be magnificent. You will be feared by all. You will have orange jellybeans.

Image by Shutterstock
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